Excellent diet tips

I recently dieted and lost 24 pounds. Instead of learning by trial and error, I surfed the web and found a great diet method and many good tips. If you're on a diet perhaps these will help you. Good luck!


BEST DIET METHOD:

If you take in fewer calories than you burn, you will lose weight.

Each day of your diet, write down your calorie intake after each meal. Carry an index card with you if necessary. Counting the calories you take in each day is extremely important. Trying to just "eat less" or "taper off some" is vague and easily disregarded.

One pound of fat equals 3500 calories. If you take in 3500 less calories than it takes for you to stay the same weight (support calories), you will lose one pound of weight. If you do that every three days, you will lose one pound each three days.

How many calories does it take to stay the same weight? About 15 for each pound of body weight. A 180-pound person needs about 2700 (15 x 180) calories. A more sedentary person needs less (around 14); a more active person needs more (around 16).

Set yourself a daily goal of either a set number of calories (say 1500) or a certain number less than support calories (perhaps 500 to 1000).

Set a length for your diet. If you decide to diet for the rest of your life, you will quickly lose heart. 120 days is a good length. It's good to know that it will come to an end and then you can celebrate. After the diet ends, you can use the lessons learned to keep the weight off without dieting.

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DIET TIPS:

Make a list of low cal foods that you like and the amount of calories in each. Try to make that list very long. When at the supermarket take some extra time to look for new low-cal items that you may like or those you may have forgotten about.

Eat slowly. Give yourself time to stop being hungry.

Think about what you can add to your diet, not what you should take away. Focus on getting the recommended 5-9 servings of fruits and vegetables each day. It sounds like a lot, but it is well worth it, because 1: You are meeting your fiber goals, 2: You feel more satisfied from the volume of food, 3: You're less likely to overeat because fruits and vegetables displace fat in the diet.

Listen to your body. Consider whether you're really hungry or if you are merely looking for something to do. Sometimes people eat when they are only thirsty.

When you're done eating, you should feel better -- not stuffed, bloated, or tired. Keeping your portions reasonable will help you get more in touch with your feelings of hunger and fullness.

One step at a time. Establishing new food habits is much easier if you focus on and take action on one food group or food fact at a time.

Putting your favorite foods off limits leads to weight gain because it triggers 'rebound' overeating. Instead of cutting out your favorite foods altogether, become a slim shopper. Buy one fresh bakery cookie instead of a box, or a small portion of candy from the bulk bins instead of a whole bag.

Enjoy your treats away from home. By making it into a special occasion, you don't have to worry about the temptation of having treats in the house.

Eat several mini-meals during the day. Eating fewer calories than you burn produces weight loss but when you're hungry all the time, eating fewer calories can be challenging. Studies show that people who eat 4-5 meals or snacks per day are better able to control their appetite and weight.

Add spices or chilies to your food for a flavor boost that can help you feel satisfied. Food that is loaded with flavor will stimulate your taste buds and be more satisfying so you won't eat as much. When you need something sweet, suck on a red-hot fireball candy for a long lasting burst of sweetness with just a few calories.

Order children's portions at restaurants. Another trick is to use smaller plates. This helps the portions look like more, and if your mind is satisfied, your stomach likely will be, too.

Swap a cup of pasta for a cup of vegetables. You can save from 100-200 calories if you reduce the portion of starch on your plate and increase the amount of vegetables.

Use non-food alternatives to cope with stress. Sooner or later, you're going to be faced with a stressful situation. Instead of turning to food for comfort, be prepared with some non-food tactics that work for you. Try reading a few chapters in a novel, listening to music, writing in a journal, practicing meditative deep breathing, or looking at a photo album of loved ones.

Although it may seem counterintuitive, don't use exercise either to punish yourself for eating or to "earn" the right to eat more. When you do, it sets up a negative thought pattern, which is why so many people say they hate to exercise. Instead, focus on how great you feel, how much better you sleep and how much more energy you have when you exercise. Physical activity is good for you whether you are trying to lose weight or not, so keep it positive and build a lifelong habit.

In the first 3 to 5 days you will lose several pounds due to water loss. Enjoy it and celebrate it. After that the pounds will drop more slowly. Do not become discouraged.

Drink a glass of water a few minutes before eating.

Bring your own low calorie snacks when you are on the go. When your only choice is the candy machine in the lobby, you're in trouble.

Buy small amounts of different fruits.

Eat the low-cal items on your plate first, and then graduate. Start with salads, veggies, and broth soups, and eat meats and starches last. By the time you get to them, you'll be full enough to be content with smaller portions of the high-calorie choices.

Five foods to eat: fiber, raw vegetables, berries, nuts, and protein. Five to avoid: Pasta, most bread, commercial cereals, sodas, and packaged desserts.

Tell people you’re on a diet. There’s no reason to be ashamed to be on a diet. Trying to keep a diet a secret is harder than just telling people. In fact, telling your co-workers, spouse family, etc. will increase your accountability. Knowing that co-workers and family are aware of your dieting motivates because you do not want to be seen to fail.

Select a typical “fat picture” and put it on the fridge, in your work area and on the wall. You will have a continual reminder to lose the weight. It’s important to remind yourself of your ultimate goal.

You can become tired, depressed, and unmotivated if you try to continue your diet into the weekends. Saturday and/or Sunday can be a time to celebrate a week of dieting by not dieting at that time. You may not find this necessary, especially in the first few weeks of a diet. However, as many weeks pass, a weekend day can become a time to celebrate weekly successes and get you mentally prepared for another five days of dieting. Considered it a mental recharge.

Don’t sacrifice your life for your diet. On occasion, you will find yourself unable to eat healthily. Whether this is because of lunches with your team at work, birthdays, or special occasions, there will be events that you just can’t (or don’t want to) eat healthy. A diet will feel overwhelming if you have to sacrifice special events in your life. You can combat this by exchanging a fasting day for a weekend day. In other words, if you didn’t diet on Tuesday, for example, you would diet on Sunday, instead.

In addition to making small changes in your diet, make small changes in your life: park further away, walk to the end of the train platform and get in the last car, and vow not to take an elevator for an entire week. You may also find it advantageous to wear a pedometer and try to compete against yourself for how far you can walk in a single day. Perhaps voluntarily walk to work or school twice a week.

Gain perspective by understanding the fractions. Your diet is an incredibly small fraction of your life. If you live for 80 years, and diet for four months, that would only be 0.42% of your life. That’s right, if you diet for four months, it will be less than one half of one percent of your life. On the other hand think of the major benefits you can get from 0.42% of your life. If it helps you stay motivated, count down the days starting at 120.

Buy a digital scale. Before starting a diet, buy a scale that is accurate to .1 lb. (one-tenth of a pound). Weigh yourself everyday. You’ll find that almost every other dieter will tell you to weigh yourself only once a week. Become very goal oriented and check your results everyday. The reason I recommend buying a scale that is accurate to the 0.1 lbs. is that there is a very big difference between weighting 170.4 one day and 169.9 the next day. Losing 0.5 pounds in one day is excellent. However, if your scale is not accurate enough to report the loss and still shows 170 after a day of healthy eating and working out, you can feel discouraged. A more detailed scale makes it easier to keep a positive outlook. The more successes (days with positive weight loss) the easier it is.

A good idea is to drink 8 glasses of water everyday. Drinking that much helps you “feel less hungry.” On the days that you don’t drink the water, you may feel hungrier, earlier, and also, you feel sleepier, sooner. Don’t feel intimidated or try to force yourself to drink 8 glasses of water. Keep a glass of water in your area all the time. You will find that you will be drinking it without thinking instead of working to drink a certain amount.

Have a red flag weight. Once you’ve lost the weight, you need to keep it off. Pick a weight and vow to never get heavier than that again. It is normal for your body to fluctuate five to ten pounds. I recommend picking a weight that is ten pounds heavier than what you “normally” weigh and never weigh more than it again.

Try to eat a serving of a fruit and a veggie at every meal.

Resolve never to super-size your food portions—unless you want to super-size your clothes.

Make eating purposeful, not mindless. Whenever you put food in your mouth, peel it, unwrap it, plate it, and sit. Engage all of the senses in the pleasure of nourishing your body.

See what you eat. Plate your food instead of eating out of the jar or bag.

Get calories from foods you chew, not beverages. Have fresh fruit instead of fruit juice. Juice has as many calories, ounce for ounce, as soda. If you truly desire juice, set a limit per day.

Keep a food journal. It really works wonders.

Use mustard instead of mayo.

Eat more soup. The non-creamy ones are filling but low-cal.

Cut back on or cut out caloric drinks such as soda, sweet tea, lemonade, etc. People have lost weight by making just this one change. If you switch to low/no cal drinks you could lose 25 lb in a year.

Take your lunch to work.

Dilute juice with water.

Eat at home.

Limit alcohol to weekends.

Doctor your veggies to make them delicious: Dribble maple syrup over carrots, and sprinkle chopped nuts on green beans.

Really hate veggies? Relax. If you love fruits, eat plenty of them; they are just as healthy (especially colorful ones such as oranges, mangoes, and melons).

Don't "graze" yourself fat. You can easily munch 600 calories of pretzels or cereal without realizing it. A bagel or super-sized pretzel has 400 to 500 calories.

Don't eat pasta like crazy. A serving of pasta is 1 cup, but some people routinely eat 4 cups.

Don't snack on bowls of nuts. Nuts are healthy but dense with calories. Put those bowls away, and use nuts as a garnish instead of a snack.

Remember: eat before you meet. Have this small meal before you go to any parties: a hardboiled egg, apple, and a thirst quencher (water, seltzer, diet soda, tea).

As obvious as it sounds, don't stand near the food at parties. Make the effort, and you'll find you eat less.

At a buffet? Eating a little of everything guarantees high calories. Decide on three or four things, only one of which is high in calories. Save that for last so there's less chance of overeating.

For the duration of the holidays, wear your snuggest clothes that don't allow much room for expansion. Wearing sweats is out until January. It helps to be aware of what's happening to you.

Walk around the mall before you start shopping.

Make exercise a nonnegotiable priority.

If you like cheese, you should buy the Laughing Cow brand. The individually-wrapped wedges make for excellent snacks, and are wonderful when melted over just about anything edible. I’d be careful about straight-up American cheese, though - it is oil, but not necessarily as good for you as perhaps a slice of cheddar would be. I have yet to find something as calorie-light and filling as Laughing Cow (I don’t know how they do it).

If you really crave a special dessert, once in a while, have a lean, mean salad for lunch or dinner, and save the meal's calories for a full dessert.

If your family thinks they need a very sweet treat every night, try to strike a balance between offering healthy choices and allowing them some "free will." Compromise with low-fat ice cream and fruit, or sometimes, just fruit with a dollop of whipped cream.

Try 2 weeks without sweets. It's amazing how your cravings vanish.

Tell your family. You’re not going to lose the weight alone, even if you ARE alone in losing the weight. If you’ve got a family at home, talk to them about it - initially, not incessantly. Let them know what you’re going to do, and that you want (and need) their support. If you don’t let them know, you’re running the risk of them inadvertently sabotaging your efforts. You want them to help you get to your goal(s). You want them to share in your happiness when you’ve made it past a certain mark. Who knows? Maybe some of your new habits will rub off on them and they’ll become healthier people, too?

Eat more fruit. A person who gets enough fruit in his diet doesn't have a raging sweet tooth.

If you can't lose your sweet tooth, eat your sweets! Just eat them smart. Carve out about 150 calories per day for your favorite sweet. That amounts to about an ounce of chocolate, half a modest slice of cake, or 1/2 cup of regular ice cream.

Drink cold unsweetened raspberry tea. It tastes great and keeps your mouth busy.

Put a sign on the kitchen and refrigerator doors: "Closed after Dinner."

Brush your teeth right after dinner to remind you: "I have finished my meal."

Eat without engaging in any other simultaneous activity. No reading, watching TV, or sitting at the computer.

Making just a few changes to your pantry shelves can get you a lot closer to your weight loss goals. Here's what to do: If you use corn and peanut oil, replace it with olive oil. Same goes for breads—go for whole wheat. Trade in those fatty cold cuts like salami and bologna and replace them canned tuna, sliced turkey breast, and lean roast beef. Change from drinking whole milk to fat-free milk or low-fat soy milk. This is hard for a lot of people so try transitioning down to 2 percent and then 1 percent before you go fat-free.

Trick yourself with gum. Sometimes we eat out of habit or because it just feels good to get some flavor in your mouth and chew for a while.

After eating, if you still want more to eat, note the time and wait 20 minutes before having that extra serving. The extra time may cause your craving to diminish or go away and you will have greater will power. Don't set a timer to remind you. You may forget and that's a good thing.

Follow the Chinese saying: "Eat until you are eight-tenths full."

Have mostly veggies for lunch.

Don't forget that vegetable soup counts as a vegetable.

Spend the extra few dollars to buy vegetables that are already washed and cut up. You will eat more of them if they are already prepared.

Start reading labels. I know it isn't easy, but you have to do it - and there’s no way to avoid this tip. If you don’t know what you’re putting in your mouth, you’re flying blind. Also, don’t assume - triple-check the ingredients list and serving sizes. You must rely on yourself for this; nobody else is going to be able to lose the weight or do the math for you. It’s not that complicated a task, but it will require effort. If nothing else, just pay attention to the calorie count.

The best portion of high-calorie foods is the smallest one. The best portion of vegetables is the largest one. Period

Don't skip any meals. Many so called healthy eaters "diet by day and binge by night."

Keep lean sandwich fixings on hand: whole wheat bread, sliced turkey, reduced-fat cheese, tomatoes, mustard with horseradish.

Cereal, fruit, and fat-free milk makes a good meal anytime.

Don't tell yourself, "It's okay, it's the holidays." That opens the door to 6 weeks of splurging.

Give it away! After company leaves, give away leftover food to neighbors, doormen, or delivery people, or take it to work the next day. Don't be afraid to throw away high calorie leftovers.

How can I conquer my downfall: Bingeing at night?
Eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner. The large majority of people who struggle with night eating are those who skip meals or don't eat balanced meals during the day. This is a major setup for overeating at night.

Skipping breakfast will leave you tired and craving naughty foods by midmorning.

If you're famished by 4 p.m. and have no alternative but an office vending machine, reach for the nuts. The same goes if your only choices are what are available in the hotel minibar.

Overeating is not the result of exercise. Vigorous exercise won't stimulate you to overeat. It's just the opposite. Exercise at any level helps curb your appetite immediately following the workout.

Tune in to an audio book while you walk. It'll keep you going longer and looking forward to the next walk—and the next chapter! Check your local library for a great selection. Look for a whodunit; you might walk so far you'll need to take a cab home!

Drinking too little can hamper your weight loss efforts. That's because dehydration can slow your metabolism by 3 percent, or about 45 fewer calories burned a day, which in a year could mean weighing 5 pounds more. The key to water isn't how much you drink; it's how frequently you drink it. Small amounts sipped often work better than 8 ounces gulped down at once.

Here's another reason to keep level-headed all the time: Pennsylvania State University research has found that those less able to cope with stress—shown by blood pressure and heart rate elevations—ate twice as many fatty snacks as stress-resistant people did, even after the stress stopped.

To find the calories in any food, just Google it. The Internet is filled with low calorie recipes, too.

Top 5 Diet Mistakes: 1- Skipping breakfast. 2- Feasting on family favorites. 3- Social over-eating. 4- Not counting nibbles. 5- Expecting too much too soon.

Take control of what you eat. There are few things that we have complete control over, but what we put in our mouths is one of them. We don't have to lose control in a restaurant or a friend's home, and we don't have to eat everything that's put in front of us.

When you skip a meal your metabolism slows to conserve your energy. And when you lose weight too quickly for a few days, your body thinks it is threatened with starvation and goes into survival mode. It fights to conserve your fat stores, and any weight loss comes mostly from water and muscle.
Never skip a meal, especially breakfast, and eat healthy snacks between meals. Eating frequently provides consistent energy, prevents hunger pangs and the binges that follow, and may be the single most effective way to maintain metabolism efficiency.

People who eat healthy, mostly unprocessed foods, including fruit, vegetables, whole grains, legumes, and limited amounts of lean animal protein, often find that they can eat as much as they want without gaining weight.

Fiber makes us feel full sooner and stays in our stomach longer than other substances we eat, slowing down our rate of digestion and keeping us feeling full longer. Due to its greater fiber content, a single serving of whole grain bread can be more filling than two servings of white bread. Fiber also moves fat through our digestive system faster so that less of it is absorbed.
Refined grains like white rice and those used to make white bread and sugary breakfast cereals have had most of their fiber and nutrients stripped away. They turn into blood sugar (glucose) so fast that, like sugar itself, they can cause a spike in our insulin level. This tells our body that plenty of energy is readily available and that it should stop burning fat and start storing it.

Don't become confused: Fat-free does not mean calorie-free.

Fried foods, especially deep-fried, contain a great amount of fat. Consider an average sized chicken breast:
Meat only, roasted: 3.1 grams of fat
Meat only, fried: 4.1 grams of fat
Meat and skin, batter fried: 18.5 grams of fat

You can achieve your goals, but it won't likely happen as a result of the next fad diet. Or the one after that. Learn to eat well.

If you eat standard restaurant portions, you'll almost certainly overeat.

Healthy eating is an opportunity to expand your range of choices by trying foods—especially vegetables, whole grains, or fruits—that you don't normally eat.

Eat early, eat often: Starting your day with a healthy breakfast can jumpstart your metabolism (fat burning), and eating the majority of your daily caloric allotment early in the day gives your body time to work those calories off. Also, eating small, healthy meals throughout the day, rather than the standard three large meals, can help keep your metabolism going and ward off snack attacks.

Carbs:
BAD CARBS are foods that have been “stripped” of all bran, fiber, and nutrients. They have been processed in order to make cooking fast and easy. Examples are white flour, refined sugar, and white rice. They digest so quickly that they cause dramatic elevations in blood sugar, which over time can lead to weight gain, hypoglycemia or even diabetes.
GOOD CARBS are digested more slowly. This keeps your blood sugar and insulin levels from rising and falling too quickly, helping you get full quicker and feel fuller longer. Good sources of carbs include whole grains, beans, fruits, and vegetables, which also offer lots of additional health benefits, including prevention of heart disease and cancer.

Jump on the scale on Saturday morning, and plan to do it again on Monday. Researchers say people who weigh themselves are better at weight control.

Don’t reach for the brands you know and love immediately - or without thinking first. Consider using substitutes instead (in fact, many restaurants will let you order lower calorie foods). There are countless “lower” alternatives for you to try. If something different doesn’t taste good, by all means - find a better substitute, or eat less of the original. In some cases, the substitute may be worse for you than the regular version of the product. The good news is, healthier choices are silently replacing their “normal” counterparts - and they taste just as nice.

Avoid hamburger fast food joints. Explore your neighborhood for a deli or other source for when you don't have time to cook.

Maintain your priorities. Sure, your sandwich would taste amazing with an extra tablespoon of mayonnaise… but do you really need it? Rather, is it more important for you to reach your weight loss goal quicker - or have this sandwich taste marginally better? What’ll happen the next time you’re faced with this decision - will you cave again? It’s a slippery slope; don’t lose sight of what’s most important to you.

Mayonnaise is mostly oil. Try substituting ketchup, mustard or fat free dressing.

It’s okay to snack between meals, really. Small meals throughout the day help keep you satisfied. You never want to feel hungry. Let your body know it’s going to get a regular regimen of calories. Plus, if you starve yourself for the regular meals, you’re probably going to eat a lot before your brain tells your mouth to stop. Think about it: breakfast, lunch, and dinner are social constructs at their very core.

Bring balance to the force. If you eat the same foods over and over again, you’re going to get bored - unless they’re foods you really, really like. Feel free to change it up - keep your tongue happy. Balance carbs with proteins and fats, though. If you have more of one nutrient for one meal, try more of another nutrient for the next. And for heaven’s sake, don’t only shop in the “diet” section of the store.

Know your daily calorie limit. When I was in the process of losing weight, it was suggested that I stay under 1700 calories a day. Knowing that number was half the battle. I could eat anything I wanted throughout the day, so long as I would stay at or beneath that number. While I couldn’t track 100% of the items I ate, I was able to make intake estimates - and adjust my schedule and ration my remaining calories accordingly. In this sense, you’re given extreme freedom - so long as you stay at or beneath that suggested calorie level for your plan. How can you diet if you don’t know how much you’re supposed to take in?

Train wrecks will happen. One of these nights, you’re going to go out with friends and eat your weight in steak (likely blowing any kind of progress you had made for that day). Instead of repeating the overindulgence, just put yourself back on track the next day. Correct the dining injustice immediately. You’ll be okay. Just don’t do it again. And again. And again. And again.

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Feel free to copy these tips and pass them to your friends. Print out a copy of these tips for yourself and review them once a week while dieting.

Movies are great :)

Things we would never know without going to the movies...

During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

Most dogs are immortal.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off – even while scuba diving.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition -even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. Even a bad German accent will do.

If an imminent natural disaster or killer beast threatens your town, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.

Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.

Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.

Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

Not my fault :)

People who experienced automobile accidents were asked to explain what happened in a few words on insurance or accident forms. The following quotes were taken from these forms and were eventually published in the Toronto Sun, July 26, 19...

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road; I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision. I did not see the other car.

I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a skull fracture.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the roadway when I struck him.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him.

I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front.

I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"The customer was reversing his car round a corner. He was concentrating so hard he backed straight into a signpost, denting his car. Fortunately he was in the right place. The signpost was outside a garage and read 'Free estimates for Accident Repairs'."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

Q: "Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?"
A: "Travelled by bus?"

"I had one eye on a parked car, another on approaching lorries, and another on the woman behind".

"I was going down the car park ramp when I hit a giant plastic mouse"

"Insured failed to observe end of pier and careened off into Irish Sea."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight!"

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably voodoo."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again."

I found my window wasn’t down when I put my head through it".

I was on my way to the doctors with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

Famous fruitcake disaster :)

Fruit Cake Recipe

Ingredients:
1 cup of butter
1 cup of sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup dried fruit
1 tsp. baking powder
1 tsp soda
1 tsp salt
lemon juice
brown sugar
1 or 2 quarts whiskey
nuts

Before you start, sample the whiskey to check for quality. Good huh?

Select a large mixing bow, measuring cup, etc.

Check the whiskey again to make sure it's just right and not losing out to evaporation. To be sure the whiskey is of the highest quality, pout one level cup into a large, drinking glass and drink as fast as you can. Repeat.
With an alectric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large, fluffly bowl. Add 1 tsp. thugar and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure the whickey is of the finest quality, cry another tup. Open second quart is necessary. Add 2 argel eggs, 2 c. fried druit and beat till high. If druit gets stuck in beaters just pry it loose with a drewdriver. Sample the whitkey agian, checking for consicicticity, then sift 3 c. of salt or anything, it really doesn't matter. Sample the whickey. Sift 1/2 pint of lemeon juce. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add 1 bobblespoon brown thrgar, or whaever color you can find and mix well. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350. now pur the hole mess in coven and ak for 1 tmr by our. Check the wickey agin and gotobed.

Texas chili competition :)

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy Molly, what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting half lit from all the beer.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. amazon is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I passed gas and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I messed my pants when I passed gas and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to sit on a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
FRANK: (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report